Deep Thoughts...

Warning: Don't read this post if you can't handle a little bit of brutal honesty....

I debated even writing about my thoughts tonight. But, this is my blog and I don't want to hide behind a facade. I'm sure most of you already know I definitely don't have it all together. What you may not realize is how deeply I struggle with depression & anxiety. It hasn't always been that way. There was a time when I could make you think I was the most confident person you'd ever met. I felt ten feet tall & bullet proof hiding inside my Marine Corps uniform. Even then, I knew the ugly monster of depression was always lurking, waiting for me to falter. God has used my battles with depression to draw me to Him over the years. At times, I couldn't even make it to the grocery store by myself for fear of having to talk to someone. (I am so thankful for a patient and enduring husband).

I've used many weapons to fight depression over the years; diet, medicines, herbals, prayer(!), and counseling. I honestly believe that while it is something that can be managed, it's totally up to God if He chooses to deliver me from this. That deliverance and the extreme pain that depression can cause is what I wanted to write about tonight.

Today is September 17th and it's one of the hardest days of my year. Four years ago, my Dad sat outside in the trees behind his house and started writing a suicide letter. He made it through several pages and then stopped. I'm not sure if he was overwhelmed by writing, or if someone came home. Whatever the case, he began writing it again the next day. I can't even imagine the spiritual battle going on as he lay awake that night, turning over the plan he had formulated in his mind.

Deliverance. It didn't come in the form we so desperately would've have asked of God. If I had known what he was thinking, I would have begged my father to change his mind. I would have reminded him of his precious grandsons and their love for him. I would've have done everything in my power to change that raging course of destiny. But I didn't know. I didn't know he was hurting so badly. I didn't know he was planning to end his pain. I didn't know. And then it was too late.

God had all night to stop that dreadful outcome. He had all night to miraculously change my father's heart. But there is no rushed, last minute plan with God. He knew my father's thoughts. He knew the pain and tragedy we were about to face. He knew the betrayal and fear that my siblings and I were about to encounter. He could've turned that tide. Instead, He chose to hold us tenderly in His hands. He chose to let us walk through that trial, guiding us each step of the way.
Every day I fall clinging to my Heavenly Father's feet, asking Him to hold me up throughout the day. I miss my Dad terribly. I wish he had never gone through that horrible trial. I wish I could undo all of it. But, I can't. What I can do is forgive his weaknesses and rely on the strength that only God can provide. So, help me Lord. Help me get through this time and find my way back to JOY again.