Two Months

Today is the two month anniversary of my Dad's death. I don't plan to keep bringing it up every month, but this month I had a little bit more to talk about. I was talking to one of my good friends tonight about "how I'm doing." This question is always a hard one to answer.

Most people are sincerely asking. They want to know what I need and how they can help. But, sometimes people don't really want to know, they just think they're "supposed" to ask. They mean well, but the truth of an honest answer would be too much to handle. Because some days, the honest-to-goodness-truth is that I'm not doing well, I could use your prayers. Yet, most days are finally okay. I am happy being alive and knowing that Dad is rejoicing forever with Christ. Sometimes I even envy him, and I hope that he has hugged Elijah for me.

After an hour-long prayer/conversation with God the other night, I felt drained and yet refreshed. (Isn't it always like that?) I had to ask forgiveness for being angry with God at all. He knows how weak we humans are, and I know He welcomes us home with open arms. (Have you heard the Jeremy Camp song that says, "you take me back, even when my fight is over now?" So true.)

I had to come to a point where I could say, "I forgive you, Dad." Because, in all honesty, there are a few things I would like to fuss at him for. And then, there are some things I need to ask his forgiveness for. Like not reading between the lines. I feel like he needed the people closest to him to say, "Stop! Get help now! Something's not right here!" I wish I had thrown up that red flag while he was here. I believe God is Sovereign and He knew what was transpiring the day Dad died. I know that is a hard fact for some to accept. That a loving God would let someone die without stopping it. But, I also know that: "All things come together for the good of those that love Him and are called together according to His purposes. Romans 8:28."

Somehow, this verse also explains that bad things do happen to "good" people. Selfish and manipulative people can influence someone, and God weeps when this happens. He absolutely does. I pray that He will help me to one day forgive the person that caused Dad so much pain. By His grace, alone, could I ever get to that point.

I once learned one of the neatest ways to unload a past issue with someone. Picture them sitting in front of you in a chair, and tell them exactly what you want to say. Even imagine them responding like you think they would. When you're done, take a deep breath and let the problem go. By letting my Dad know how hurt I was, and by asking him to forgive me, I felt a huge weight lifted off of me. You see, even though I know that "conversation" was mainly about my peace of mind, I also know God never intended me to carry more than I can bear. We sometimes hold onto things when God is waiting to take the load for us. I can never wrap my minute mind around all the pain and hurt and grief, but God can and He is ready to help me through it. So, I can lay it all down, and know that in His hands, it will be well taken-care of. Dad will be well taken-care of. Elijah will be, Granddad will be. I will be.

Have you ever read "When God Weeps," by Joni Earekson Tada? I will be re-reading it soon. The title says it all.