11 Step Program to Complete Before Having Children

(This is too cute.  It was passed in an email and I thought I'd share.  Even though it's pretty accurate, it's all still worth it!)


Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Wordless Wednesday

"You might be a redneck if...."   

Can anyone tell me exactly what my paper towels are perched on?

Hilarious-ity

I have absolutely nothing of value or worth to share with you folks right now. My life is basically that of a caged hamster, trying to get somewhere on a wheel that just ain't going anywhere. So, to pass the time until I find a way to get it together, go check out the hilarious posts at The Pioneer Woman. I PROMISE it will be worth your time. You have my permission to laugh your head off.

Because someone should be writing on this thing, right?

My poor neglected Blog. Sigh. All I ever do is open up the internet, briefly glance at your sidebar to see who else has posted and then click on over to Facebook. Because that's where it's really happening. Mainly because I'm lazy, and Facebook satisfies my need for a quick 5 minute, no-commitment kind of relationship.

But, you, poor Blog, you constantly demand more. Like whole paragraphs and funny little stories, or clever quotes from the kids. You even keep nagging me about the "after" pictures I never posted from the Kitchen Overhaul!

So, I have been avoiding you, poor little Blog. Let's try and patch this thing up soon, ok? Glad we had this talk. Now, I need to go check my Facebook status.

Can't think of a name for this post.

We got this bouncy seat when Little Man was a baby. He quickly learned how to escape, or at least get out from under the bar on it! A few times, he actually put his hands on the ground and tried to wiggle out of it. Without being taught, Baby Girl was doing the same thing! (On second thought, look at Little Man in that picture, maybe he did tell her how to do it...)

Funnies

We bought a new water filter for our kitchen faucet and this morning I watched as XMan was doing his morning chore of feeding/watering the dog. I noticed he was using the filtered water and said, "No, honey it's okay for her to have the regular water." He was appalled and said, "But, why can't she have the new filthy water?!"

I took Little Man with me to grab breakfast for Hubby and his worker and left Baby girl asleep in her crib. Little Man noticed his baby sister wasn't in the car and exclaimed, "Mommy! You WOST Wia!!"

Little Man was trying to hurry and find his play shoes to go outside in. He finally gave up and called out, "Mommy, I just hafta wear my barefoots!!"

:-)

TOO Funny

Well, since I have nothing for ya, go read this! It's a cute little chuckle!

Cell Phone

Hubby and I recently got new cell phones, so we're going to try and sell our old ones. In the meantime, XMan has been begging us to give him a cell phone. Not just one of the old ones. A real cell phone. For a 6 year old. Hahaha. Obviously our answer was hysterical laughter a resounding, "No way, Jose."

I don't even know why he thinks he needs one anyway! None of his friends have one, most of the teens in our church don't even carry one! What's the point when you are mainly with your family, or at church events anyway? There isn't a whole lot of "dropping off and picking up" going on around here.

For now, he will just have to keep carrying the fake one around pretending to call his buddies.

A cell phone. HA.

Why is the DOG getting my bubble bath?

In the morning, we are taking Banner to get, um, "fixed." As Melanie put it, poor thing didn't know anything was wrong with her! (Well, she might've actually had a clue. Like the 2 weeks she spent at doggie bootcamp...)

But that's besides the topic. She has to be bathed and clean before we drop her off at 8am. Hmmm, no time to do it in the morning, and the torrential downpour rain we've had the past two days has created a 6ft in-ground pool out of our backyard. So, we can't bathe her outside like we normally do.

The only solution? Bathe her in the only bathtub we have!

And I was sooo looking forward to a bubble bath tonight.... Oh well! I'm not going after THAT!

I always knew there had to be a St. Jana somewhere!

So, we were at the grocery store this afternoon, when I saw this water. It bears my name! How very cool! Bottled at the source "St. Jana." Nevermind the fact that they mispronounce it....

How to get yourself sent to your room: In one bite or less

To accomplish this mission, you will need:
- One plate full of french fries and fish sticks
- small amount of ketchup
- one (un)willing little brother

When your little brother, who rarely eats anything other than bread or potato products actually begins to eat a fish stick, and your mother stops mid-bite to see if he will actually eat it, you should then say in a taunting voice, "Hey, did you know those have little FISH in them?!"

When he is horrified, stops chewing and spits out the only meat he might have had that week fish stick, you should snicker with delight, because you just wanted to see if you could eat his anyway.

That should do it. You should probably be in your room in 10 seconds or less, loudly lamenting your choice.

The Family Trait

These two didn't escape our random "Wild Hair" family gene. XMan shares the gene, however his came in the form of a double cowlick smack dab in the front of his head. Little Man and Baby Girl have theirs near the crown of the head. It makes for some wonderful hair-do shots!

Confused?

This is too funny!! Anyone else confused/irritated that we get a "free" economic stimulus payment that comes out of our own pockets?? Look at a small sample of what the Headmistress at the Common Room says...

Hey Locals!

Anyone want a handy dandy Amish Friendship bread starter? Hmmmm? You know you want to!! It's been a few months since the last go 'round. Let me know! I can bring them to MOPS Wednesday if you need me to!

Name That Photo

Somebody please give me a caption for this picture! Grandmommy bought both of the boys a bear that these cute magnetic hands. They 'play' peek-a-boo, or they look like they're praying...or they hang from the fridge apparently!! XMan was the proud inventor of this particular move. What should I name it?

Because it made me laugh, that's why!

"Imperial Doughnut Thieves"

There is really no reason why I am posting this other than it made me chuckle. This has been a slow week in Bloggerville, but here's something to hold you over until I find my thinking cap!

Go check out Storm Troopin'

Stuck indoors?

Here's a solution for those yucky winter days, whether it's raining or snowing! You need one of these things in your doorway!

Kicking it Old School

This morning, XMan had his Lincoln Logs out and was somehow incorporating those into his Star Wars game....couldn't figure that one out. But, then he saw a quick glimpse of the "Little House on the Prairie" episode Mommy had on and exclaimed, "Look, Mom! That looks just like my wagon! They really did ride around on Lincoln Logs!" Haha!!

A Sampling of Sillies

In case you didn't notice, I opted out of "Not Me! Monday" this week. I think my post about Waco pretty much sums up my Not Me's from last week! Our past few days have been filled with runny noses, upset tummies, and lots of carseat re-arranging. Somewhere amidst the mayhem a few funnies popped out....

Mommy: In a minute, honey, Mommy is feeding Halia.
Little Man: GO, 'Wia, GO!

Little Man enters room, feverish and needing a hug. Sees Mommy holding baby Halia once again, and hollers desperately, "Mommy! Put 'Wia down!!"
(I laughed and made room for him in my lap also.)

Mommy: Okay, son, I ordered this book about "attentiveness," and I think it's something we need to work on today.
XMan: Huh? I need to go to the bathroom...
Mommy: Sigh.

Not Me!!!

Yawn....I think I am awake enough to do this.... It's catching up to me now. The newborn, the toddler, the kindergartner..... But, I do not have doubts that this is exactly where God has planted me! (That one's for real, I'll start the denial in a minute!)

So, last week, I did NOT watch as my toddler vetoed his cinnamon roll in favor eating his napkin!!! I think he may have been having fiber issues, he was all kinds of "stopped up." Sorry, son, I know when you're 12 that will be humiliating....but YOU ate the napkin!!

I also did NOT demand-feed the newborn all week long, just to get some quiet.

Last week did NOT involve way too many trips away from the house. Which obviously means that all of my housework got done! As far as school goes, we're so far ahead we could just go onto First Grade. Ha, haha.

Well, gotta run, XMan just informed me that Little Man is NOT eating a new catalog I just got in the mail!!! (What is up with this, man??)

Click on the box up there to go see more laughable non-confessions!